Take a look inside Ann’s experience
If my younger self knew that I’ve done boudoir shoots, she would have SO MANY questions – the first of which would probably be something along the lines of “Did we finally lose enough weight?” She would be surprised to find out that the answer to that question is an astounding NO. In fact, we’ve gained weight and feel more at peace with our body now than we ever had in the past. It took a lot of work to get here, though.
I, like so many women, have struggled with my body image for most of my life. I mean let’s be real – it’s something that I still struggle with. Like any relationship, I believe that the relationship that we have with our bodies is one that ebbs and flows; it needs to be nurtured and cared for. A few years ago, I started down the journey of healing that relationship, and boy was there a lot to unpack.
Growing up, I was always looking for ways to make my body smaller. It all began with my first growth spurt. To paint a picture, I was around a foot taller than other kids my age by the time I was in the 3 rd grade, and I’m currently 5’10” and have been this tall since the 6 th grade. While my height gave me an advantage in sports, it made me feel like a freak around my classmates. I spent so much energy trying to make myself look smaller – slouching whenever I was around other people and strategically contorting my body to take up less space. As I got older, my desire to take up less space grew into an obsession with losing weight. I used to view myself as a failure if I wasn’t the thinnest girl in the room. Messed up, I know.
Fast forward to the beginning of college, and my relationship with my body took its biggest hit when I entered into what would become an abusive relationship. I’ll spare you from the more difficult details, but I will say that in violating my body, he completely violated my sense of self. Any safety that I had once felt living in my own body was ripped away over and over again. Deep down, I blamed myself for everything that had happened and hated myself for it. I buried those feelings deep within myself and didn’t open up about what I went through until almost 10 years later..
Around the time that I finally opened up about that relationship, I was also going through a self-discovery phase in regard to my body and my relationship with exercise and food. I had recently competed in a bodybuilding competition and was struggling with my body image and feelings of self-worth as I re-gained weight to bring my body back to equilibrium. As the number on the scale continued to go up, my feelings of self-hatred grew with it. Eventually, I reached a point where I couldn’t take it any longer and was desperate for something to change. One night as I was spiraling and unable to sleep, I sent a rather frantic email to a therapist’s office and thus began my healing journey.
After many therapy sessions and a ton of self-reflection, I started noticing ads for a boudoir photoshoot popping up on my social media feeds. Something inside of me knew that this was exactly what I needed at the time and despite all the fear and anxiety that I was feeling, I booked a shoot. I was a bit apprehensive at first and was feeling a lot of my old negative self-talk start to creep in, but by the end of the shoot I was on cloud nine. Not only did I finally feel safe in my body again, but I also felt powerful. I was finally reclaiming my body and taking my sexuality back into my own hands, on my own terms – something that I never imaged possible after the trauma I had experienced from my past relationship. Since then, boudoir shoots have become a bit of a yearly tradition to celebrate myself and where I am in life.
This year I booked a shoot with Beatrice, and it was such a great experience! Even though I had already done a couple of boudoir shoots prior to this one, I was still feeling the nerves start to creep in as the date of the shoot neared. When the day finally arrived, I’ll admit that I wasn’t in the best headspace. I was going through a few rough body images days and was definitely feeling anxious about the shoot. However, upon meeting Beatrice, I instantly started to feel at ease. She has such a warm presence about her, and I could tell I was in good hands.
After my hair and makeup was complete, we selected my outfits and began the shoot. I was feeling a little awkward at the beginning, but Beatrice had me shake it out and after sharing some laughs together I started to loosen up and find my groove. Honestly, I really surprised myself throughout the shoot. My body has gone through a lot of changes throughout the years and is larger now than it’s ever been. There was a moment during the shoot where it hit me that I was in a larger body with my belly out, and I felt beautiful. My past self would have gone into a spiral about it all, but I really felt amazing in the moment. It also helps to have a photographer rooting you on the whole time!
Seeing the photos after the shoot is always a surreal experience. My initial response was “That’s me???”, but by the time we finished going through my gallery my response turned into a “Yes, that’s me!!” There’s something so powerful about getting the photos back and being able to look at yourself and feel proud.
To me, boudoir is so much more than a beautiful photo. It’s about celebrating yourself. It’s about showing up as you are and taking the time to appreciate yourself not despite your insecurities, but in recognition that you are imperfectly perfect just as you are. It’s raw, it’s vulnerable, and that’s the real beauty of it.
