Loving my body as it changes- Ms. L
Thousands of books, music videos, wellness programs, and podcasts on the topic of "body love" exist. It's a topic frequently discussed in the media and within our social circles - for every concern or question there is an avalanche of advice ranging from encouraging to disparaging.
I haven't studied this in an academic setting, but my lived experience certainly makes me feel like an expert. From the awkwardness of puberty, to pressure during my years as a ballerina, my body and its outward appearance seemed to constantly be a topic of discussion.
Fast forward to my mid-30s and the level of discourse has not changed. Two things seem to be certain: 1. our bodies, and the appearance of our bodies, will forever be challenged by systems of power and 2. our bodies will change and shift just as much as our inner selves do over the years.
So knowing that I could never control the external narrative, I sought to control the internal narrative. This electric powered meat sack is mine! It does not exist for the approval of others. It exists to carry me through this life. It is a daily miracle - enabling me to experience all the things I love.
But as with most things, knowing and doing are two different actions. It seemed that as soon as I accepted one part of my appearance (my red hair, for example) another part of me would change.
Experiencing the stress and fear of the COVID pandemic was a daily hardship for me and many others. The sense of loss and lack of systemic support systems laid bare all the things we have struggled with as individuals and as a community. So just when I had managed to overcome the doubt and uncertainty that accompanied my 30th birthday, here I was, trying to find myself again.
And wow, was it harder this time around. Everything I thought I had completely figured out shifted once more. The slump in self-esteem and confidence made every change my body experienced become sharper - making it impossible not to notice the softness in areas I wanted firm and the dryness in areas I wanted supple.
So as 34 drew nearer, I began again. I found moments of love and joy and brilliance in my relationships and the world around me. And with each one, I reminded myself that I was part of that equation. That the good comes with the bad, and that's what makes it good. And within that, neutral is an option. Things can be just okay and that is also good!
These photos serve as a reminder of this time - a physical manifestation of transition and growth. A reminder that I am beautiful at every stage of this journey. A reminder that each change is a harbinger of what's to come. A reminder that the good, the bad, and the neutral combined make up the rich tapestry of my life, my relationships, myself.
